Alright, I don’t know about you but I have a terrible addiction to embarrassing myself on camera/stage. I love to perform in shows and make videos. It’s one of my favorite things to do. What I don’t love is to watch the playback of these things. Yeah, I know that I’m contradicting myself, but let me try to explain.
When I am doing a show, I pour my whole being out on that stage and leave it there. I’m not thinking about recordings that are being made! As for the videos I make, I don’t have a good excuse. I realize I’m shooting myself in the foot here. In this case the fun of making the video outweighs the embarrassment. I also don’t mind watching myself in these videos because I already knew I was making a fool out of myself when I made them. However, I do get super embarrassed when other people watch them.
What brought this mini rant on? Well, back in November I was in a community Cabaret show. Basically it was a bunch of numbers all shoved into one super long show. It was crazy but super fun. The cast party for that November show was held this past weekend. I know, it’s 2 months after the fact, but the director wanted to host it after all of the holidays. Thoughtful right?
I went to say hello to everyone and to eat the food. It is tradition to watch the video recording of the show at these events. I was excited to see the other numbers I missed when I was not on stage. That being said, I was not looking forward to seeing myself make weird ass faces and doing ridiculous things. I might be too critical of myself, but I’m such a goddamn ham guys. Like seriously, when its time for me to be on stage or in front of the camera I just increase my hamminess factor by 100. I don’t know what’s wrong with me sometimes.
I was in the most numbers out of everyone in the show. I had a solo, I was in all of the dance numbers and group numbers. Basically there were lots of moments to witness me making a fool out of myself. Watching myself in the dance numbers were by far the worst in terms of what-the-fuck-was-I-doing moments. Seriously, one number we did a lot of poses. I just couldn’t help myself with them and went crazy. There was voguing, lots of pointing, and of course crazy ass faces. I sat there like, “What are you doing Becky? You’re not cool! You think you’re being cool but you’re not! You’re being lame! JUST STOP! NO! WHY?!”
I think anytime I showed my face I was just like why?! Then I proceeded to cringe. I just cannot watch myself. I’d rather not see or know what people thought. It would make life easier. At least when I’m 60 I’ll have lots of material to make fun of myself. God help me.
P.S. On another note, someone I did not know at the cast party (it was open to friends and family of the cast) complemented me on my solo. Definitely made my day.